The Five Men Women Should Avoid.

My daughters are active in the dating world. I attempted to steer them towards becoming lesbians by ensuring them I am a tolerant hipster, but that didn’t work out. I figured lesbian daughters might stave off my becoming a grandfather prematurely. But I am more concerned about broken hearts, and more so, broken dreams. I have seen one too many failed relationships that have taken a brutal toll on formerly happy people, permanently inserting a fork in their road of life that headed in the wrong direction. Any responsible dad should attempt to protect his children from such a fate.

From my years of experience in dating, being dated, and observing others, here are the five men you and your daughters would be better off avoiding. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule. But those exceptions are quite rare. Don’t fall into that endless chasm of hope that blinds your reality.

ONE: THE TATTOO GUY.

I’m not talking about the ex-paratrooper who proudly displays his unit on a now faded obscure tattoo on his upper arm. I’m talking the brother with the complete sleeve tattoos, on both arms, and now the front and back of his neck. If you’re not in that underworld, a pro tat studio charges upwards of $500 for one single two to three inch single-color segment on an arm. Count up all the five-spots, and these fools have spent upwards of $5,000 permanently defacing their bodies. Crazy tattoo people are ant-establishment, i.e., anti-civilization. They have given up trying to fit in to society, knowing damn well that a business suit will fail to hide their “art.” Obviously, this will permanently limit their earning ability, which leads to housing in less-desirable areas, which leads to less-desirable schools for your future children, and I’m sure you can imagine how that typically ends up. Be especially aware of face tattoos, which indicate a certain type of mental situation. And learn to recognize gang and prison tattoos for a whole other bunch of warning signs.

TWO: THE SMOKER.

It’s common knowledge that smoking (anything) is most likely bad for your health. A good indication of common sense might be that someone avoids smoking altogether until a final consensus is reached. Also, now that a pack of cigarettes is about five or six bucks, that’s a pricey habit for a fairly mediocre and temporary nicotine high. Vapes are even worse. Most people begin smoking because they think it looks cool, and that should be the first sign of trouble – an insecurity complex. Insecure people do strange and unpredictable things, like harder drugs and having sex with risky people.

Oh – and if he used the “medicinal purposes” excuse, you might want to see this note from the United States Attorney General: http://time.com/4101340/dea-medical-marijuana-joke/

THREE: THE SHAVER.

The easiest indication of an apparent narcissist, these fools shave their beards or moustaches into strangely alien configurations. It takes a lot of time to groom yourself, which is usually a good thing. But the fact that a man feels the need to shave his beard into a perfectly shaped pattern indicates he’s looking to attract attention, and usually from the opposite sex. He thinks he’s daring and masculine with his wannabe model looks. While a normal guy lets his beard grow naturally, or a man lets his facial hair grow a couple days into a natural scruff, this brother is on a mission. And it’s usually not a good mission for you or your daughter.

FOUR: THE BODYBUILDER.

There’s a difference between fitness and narcissism. Think a bicycle rider versus a weight lifter. The bike rider is getting cardiovascular exercise, seeing some sights in fresh air, and actually going somewhere. The weightlifter is working on that six-pack and Popeye arms for another reason – vanity. He’s attempting to look buff for a reason – to attract compliments from his weight-lifting homies, or to pick up narrow-minded women with a low IQ. Sure, women are wired to search for a man who they think will protect them and their offspring. And no doubt these guys are nice to look at. The problem is the situation is usually temporary. And you get a little older and begin to look your age, he’s off to his next conquest, and that means you (and your children) will be left alone. And eventually, that pretty body mass turns to fat.

FIVE: FAST AND FURIOUS

More like flat and spurious. Or, slow and just kinda angry. These are the idiots who spend more on their car accessories than their rent because they’re trying to emulate a fictional franchise of terrible movies. Ironically, a 1990 Honda Civic will run you about $3,000. The lowering kit, drilling a hole in the muffler (to get that real lawn mower sound), and those hideous tin-looking wheels might cost upwards of $6,000. Fuzzy dice?
Priceless. These boys are horribly insecure, using their jacked-up automobiles to compensate for lack of personality (or penis girth). Ironically, the dimwits who drive these cars probably have copious tattoos, a beard shaved into something that looks like a shovel, smoke like fiends, and probably have a membership to the local budget gym. See where this is going?

It’s all about bad judgment. Most youthful bad judgment stems from insecurity. Insecurity breeds poor choices and instability. I don’t want that for my daughters, and you shouldn’t want that for yourselves either.

6 comments

  1. I like this and it makes sense. I could think of examples of all five types of men that I have encountered and how I’m glad I’m not with them now. Of course their a some exceptions, my best friend is engaged to a tatted up guy (who admittedly has a past) but has transformed into a great guy and a wonderful father. I laughed out loud at guy number three. I’d never thought about it that way.

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  2. I like this and it makes sense. I could think of examples of all five types of men that I have encountered and how I’m glad I’m not with them now. Of course their a some exceptions, my best friend is engaged to a tatted up guy (who admittedly has a past) but has transformed into a great guy and a wonderful father. I laughed out loud at guy number three. I’d never thought about it that way.

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  3. I totally i agree with number 4, the fitness freak boyfriend! My last boyfriend was totally a fitness freask who had almost no time for me. Everyday he used 2 hours(!!) in the gym after him came home late from work! I really didnt like that! And after 6 monhts i kicked him out!

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  4. Man hating idiot. You pick one of the most objectionable photos for the tattoo segment. Of course don’t date this guy, but he is in prison so you can’t anyway. How shallow to talk about the earning potential of a tattooed person. Make your own money. Date who you love. The shaver. Its ok for a woman to spen hours on hair and makeup, fingernails etc. but not for a man to shave how he wants? Hypocritical. The cars. Men express themselves with their cars. Women with their handbags and shoes. Hypocritical. Smoking is gross ut women smoke too. None of that leads to drugs or sex with questionable partners…just bad breath, lung cancer, and death. Again the cost of a pack of smokes. Get your own job and you won’t have to worry about the guy’s money. Now how about the women in the gym with their bootie shorts spending the same amount of time looking in the mirror and complainging about how their butt isn’t high enough etc.? What a waste of time this article and I actually feel less intelligent for taking the time to respond. Good luck finding a man.

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    1. I would avoid every use as an example. 2 hours in the gym, 2 hours doing her makeup, ridiculously expensive purse slung over her shoulder, smells like an ashtray (I recently tried dating a woman that I otherwise really liked and found I just couldn’t get past the smell, and the taste of kissing her, and how I smelled after being around her). So you go ahead Romeo.. you can have these women.

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