A few years back, only really cool laid-back bros sported beards. Harley guys. Artists. Musicians. Creative types. You know, those in tune with the cosmic wavelength. Bearded guys were the wise men – the guys who just got it.

Today, it’s a fashion statement for assholes.

Not sure when the tide turned. But 9 of every 10 bearded bros I meet today are miserable narcissistic douchebags. I analyze the dogsnot out of everything, so I set my phasers on stun and went out to look for some answers.

First, shaving sucks. If you can’t grow a beard, be thankful. It’s a daily chore that’s time consuming, expensive, messy, and sometimes painful. I don’t need it. Take my beard, please.

Secondly, those who don’t shave are lazy. I admit, I’ve cut back to shaving 3 times a week. Chicks dig stubble, but I’m busy. Still, I get those looks from my customers when I’ve gone a little too long. Most normal folks prefer to deal with a clean-shaven person.

Thirdly, why is every grotesque beard accompanied by a sleeve of tattoos? We’ve talked about the bad judgment of tattoo people in the past. Now those same idiots are growing pubic hair on their faces. Plus, it’s a staple feature of a radical Islamic terrorist. Great company, bro.

Dude, it’s nasty. It looks like shit, and your beard stinks after a while. Everyone hates you. Shave that crap. You might get some ass for a change. You can thank me later.