bad relationships

Sexual Assault at America’s Colleges

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Teen Vogue seems to be America’s authority on all things, well, teen. You know, like  really important things — like what Willow Smith is up to. That some no one named Zendaya is approving certain prom dresses. And God forbid you’re not up on whatever the Kardashians are doing these days. On a slow teen news week, here’s what they reported.

One in five women will be sexually assaulted during their college tenures. And it’s estimated that 95% of sexual assaults on campus go unreported, meaning the majority of victims don’t get the help and support they need, and the perpetrators don’t get punished. It’s an epidemic, and it’s up to all of us to help stop it.

Statistics are a funny thing. Supposedly, Vice President Joe Biden mentioned this statistic in 2014. What he did not mention was that statistic was found in some 2007 government sanctioned study titled The Campus Sexual Assault Study, which was conducted for the Justice Department’s National Institute of Justice. The researchers, led by Christopher Krebs of RTI International, also surveyed men. The statistic cited by Biden only focuses on women, because apparently that’s more interesting.

Due diligence requires that we go even further back, because the actual data was compiled between 2005 and 2007. In the winter of 2006, perhaps as a last-minute hail mary, Mr. Kreb’s researchers used a Web-based survey to interview undergraduates at two large public universities, one in the Midwest and one in the South. A total of 5,446 undergraduate women, between the ages of 18-25, participated as part of a random sample. The survey was anonymous and took about 15 minutes to complete. Participants were bribed with a $10 Amazon.com certificate.

Soooo… back in 2005, more than a DECADE ago, certain bribed Midwestern and Southern women (at only two colleges) reported that they may or may not have been sexually assaulted. The Washington Post reported these results clearly can be generalized to those two large four-year southern universities, but not necessarily elsewhere. Moreover, although the results were technically statistically significant, the response rate was relatively low, and there was no indication if the assaulters were actually students or non-student visitors. We should also mention that the word “assaulted” itself is a moving target, and its definition has undoubtedly changed in the past eleven years. Smells like we need to put Mr. Krebs back to work in 2016. One in five is an alarmist statistic. I would venture to say many of these 20 percenters were skanky 2005 southern party girls who were either outright lying, defined “assault” a little too loosely, or, most likely, were involved in a completely consensual act but then forgot or changed their minds at some point after their drunken escapades were over. My educated guess is that on a national level, with a much more robust survey, legitimate female assaultees would be much closer to 4-5 percent, with men’s results even lower. Still unacceptable, but not quite as alarmist.

Look, I have daughters in college, and in no way intend to defend any sort of sexual assault, whether it’s against males or females. To me, assault is adamant to rape. But 20% of all college women are complaining they’ve been assaulted or abused? Frankly, that seems a bit high. Sure, there are plenty of dickhead guys in college who are a little too aggressive. Most guys are well aware of the word NO, but unfortunately there are those men who don’t care. Sexual assault is wrong. It must be stopped, always reported, and investigated thoroughly.

Here’s how to stop sexual assault on college campuses once and for all, college administrators. You won’t like it, students won’t like it, and politicians are not allowed to like it publicly, but these methods have been proven effective — globally.

  1. Issue a firm campus dress code. Define it visually, citing photographic examples of disallowed styles. Fine or expel women who wear clothing that is too suggestive. Admit it, ladies – the only reason you dress like a slut is to get male attention. We’re not stupid.
  2. Ban all unsanctioned or unsupervised college parties. College is an institution of learning, not partying. Unbridled adolescents and alcoholic beverages is always a recipe for disaster. 
  3. Issue a firm campus-wide curfew. There’s no reason a group of scantily-clad 20-year-old males or females should be running around giggling after 1 AM.

It’s ironic that we protect prisoners, airplanes, and military installations better than we protect our children. Colleges should be gated off at least as well as airports. Students, faculty, and guests should be frisked, scanned, and identified before entering any campus. Assaulters, rapists, drug dealers, and other bad influencers have no business on college property.

There’s not much you can do about off-campus parties. That’s a parent’s responsibility. Mom and Dad, if you love your children, make sure they commute, or buck-up for on-campus housing. I lived at home during college, and it didn’t kill me. And I was never assaulted.

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Potentially Dangerous Boyfriends.

Sigmund Freud uncovered that each and every man borders on the fringe of psychotic behavior. Human history and current coordinated efforts labeled as terrorist acts bear witness to this today. Fortunately, most of us get along as we play by the rules of civilization. However, there are those on the fringe of evil. And it’s critically important that you, as someone in search of a relationship, can recognize the signs of those on the fringe. There are certain characteristics a woman needs to flush out before making a commitment to a potentially abusive or dangerous relationship. Yes, some women fall into these categories too, but their involvement typically isn’t quite as severe or affecting.

The Fighting Man

An older gentleman, in an attempt to make smalltalk, asked me what my hobbies were. I replied that my hobbies were diverse and unique. He aptly considered me “complicated.” In turn, I posed the same question. The man replied that he’s into boxing and UFC – Ultimate Fighting for those of you who aren’t familiar with that sport. I had to look it up too. In my best southern drawl, I asked him if he garnered pleasure from the act of two people beating the piss out of each other. He replied that he enjoyed a good fight, having been an active boxer in a previous life. A man who takes pleasure in harming another man is more of a warrior than a civilized human being. He has stepped over the bounds of repressing his desire to harm in the guise of a terrible error in judgment which ultimately led to socially acceptable behavior. Despite his clever disguise as nothing more than a big teddy bear, be aware that his inner warrior lurks and could be aroused with little or no warning.

The Hunting Man

As little as 100 years ago, before butchers, general stores, supermarkets, Walmart, and food stamps, it was more necessary for man to hunt to feed himself and his family. Today, hunting exists as sport only. As I ponder this “sport,” I wonder what the real challenge and acquisition is. There is no battle, as we use an increasing amount of power and technology to overcome an otherwise helpless and usually innocent animal, be that fish, fowl, deer, or bear. If you’ve ever tried venison, you’ll agree that it’s a forced taste – particularly chewy with a strange bitter flavor. Regardless of their excuse, a hunter means to show his masculinity by killing an animal and bragging to his friends. Remember, these man have a cadre of deadly weapons at their immediate disposal. The worst offenders are those who employ the services of a taxidermist.

The Sports Fan

Sports are a wonderful way to exercise and release tension, especially in a participatory or coaching role. However, a man who is broadly into two or more sports as a spectator is on the other side of this spectrum. Subjectively, I have found that a man’s mood and attitude can be directly affected by the performance of a collegiate or professional sports team. Frankly, that level of influence is disturbing. This indicates a narcissistic tendency which is projected through his financial investment in branded merchandise or memorabilia. Your relationship, family, and feelings will, at times, be relegated to the cheap seats.

The Overly Religious Man

In the absence of complete brainwashing as a child, which is evident in radical religious sects worldwide, adults turn to religion when something they value is missing in their lives. Love, money, health, status, or several other characteristics can drive a person to become a religious zealot. Once a person eschews the reality of the world you live in and decides things might be better on the other side, his behavior can become quite questionable. If quotations from his favorite book are a predominant part of his everyday conversation, you may want to have a discussion before you get seriously involved.

The Gangsta

Finally, any man who idolizes criminal activity, through music, movies, or in real life, has an innate desire to emulate his heroes. Sooner or later, he will act on that desire, and his naive and amateur actions could prove devastating to his life, career, and relationships. It is critically important to be firmly grounded in reality for any relationship to be successful.

“The path to a man’s heart can be found through his heroes.”
– Country music artist Jake McGrew

The Five Men Women Should Avoid.

My daughters are active in the dating world. I attempted to steer them towards becoming lesbians by ensuring them I am a tolerant hipster, but that didn’t work out. I figured lesbian daughters might stave off my becoming a grandfather prematurely. But I am more concerned about broken hearts, and more so, broken dreams. I have seen one too many failed relationships that have taken a brutal toll on formerly happy people, permanently inserting a fork in their road of life that headed in the wrong direction. Any responsible dad should attempt to protect his children from such a fate.

From my years of experience in dating, being dated, and observing others, here are the five men you and your daughters would be better off avoiding. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule. But those exceptions are quite rare. Don’t fall into that endless chasm of hope that blinds your reality.

ONE: THE TATTOO GUY.

I’m not talking about the ex-paratrooper who proudly displays his unit on a now faded obscure tattoo on his upper arm. I’m talking the brother with the complete sleeve tattoos, on both arms, and now the front and back of his neck. If you’re not in that underworld, a pro tat studio charges upwards of $500 for one single two to three inch single-color segment on an arm. Count up all the five-spots, and these fools have spent upwards of $5,000 permanently defacing their bodies. Crazy tattoo people are ant-establishment, i.e., anti-civilization. They have given up trying to fit in to society, knowing damn well that a business suit will fail to hide their “art.” Obviously, this will permanently limit their earning ability, which leads to housing in less-desirable areas, which leads to less-desirable schools for your future children, and I’m sure you can imagine how that typically ends up. Be especially aware of face tattoos, which indicate a certain type of mental situation. And learn to recognize gang and prison tattoos for a whole other bunch of warning signs.

TWO: THE SMOKER.

It’s common knowledge that smoking (anything) is most likely bad for your health. A good indication of common sense might be that someone avoids smoking altogether until a final consensus is reached. Also, now that a pack of cigarettes is about five or six bucks, that’s a pricey habit for a fairly mediocre and temporary nicotine high. Vapes are even worse. Most people begin smoking because they think it looks cool, and that should be the first sign of trouble – an insecurity complex. Insecure people do strange and unpredictable things, like harder drugs and having sex with risky people.

Oh – and if he used the “medicinal purposes” excuse, you might want to see this note from the United States Attorney General: http://time.com/4101340/dea-medical-marijuana-joke/

THREE: THE SHAVER.

The easiest indication of an apparent narcissist, these fools shave their beards or moustaches into strangely alien configurations. It takes a lot of time to groom yourself, which is usually a good thing. But the fact that a man feels the need to shave his beard into a perfectly shaped pattern indicates he’s looking to attract attention, and usually from the opposite sex. He thinks he’s daring and masculine with his wannabe model looks. While a normal guy lets his beard grow naturally, or a man lets his facial hair grow a couple days into a natural scruff, this brother is on a mission. And it’s usually not a good mission for you or your daughter.

FOUR: THE BODYBUILDER.

There’s a difference between fitness and narcissism. Think a bicycle rider versus a weight lifter. The bike rider is getting cardiovascular exercise, seeing some sights in fresh air, and actually going somewhere. The weightlifter is working on that six-pack and Popeye arms for another reason – vanity. He’s attempting to look buff for a reason – to attract compliments from his weight-lifting homies, or to pick up narrow-minded women with a low IQ. Sure, women are wired to search for a man who they think will protect them and their offspring. And no doubt these guys are nice to look at. The problem is the situation is usually temporary. And you get a little older and begin to look your age, he’s off to his next conquest, and that means you (and your children) will be left alone. And eventually, that pretty body mass turns to fat.

FIVE: FAST AND FURIOUS

More like flat and spurious. Or, slow and just kinda angry. These are the idiots who spend more on their car accessories than their rent because they’re trying to emulate a fictional franchise of terrible movies. Ironically, a 1990 Honda Civic will run you about $3,000. The lowering kit, drilling a hole in the muffler (to get that real lawn mower sound), and those hideous tin-looking wheels might cost upwards of $6,000. Fuzzy dice?
Priceless. These boys are horribly insecure, using their jacked-up automobiles to compensate for lack of personality (or penis girth). Ironically, the dimwits who drive these cars probably have copious tattoos, a beard shaved into something that looks like a shovel, smoke like fiends, and probably have a membership to the local budget gym. See where this is going?

It’s all about bad judgment. Most youthful bad judgment stems from insecurity. Insecurity breeds poor choices and instability. I don’t want that for my daughters, and you shouldn’t want that for yourselves either.

Why I became a bad boy.

Mr. Grey will see you now.

Mr. Grey will see you now.

I was once a nice guy who used to run a retail computer repair store. Turns out that nice guys are a terrible businessmen, as I found out in a particularly rude manner. For almost nine years, we had a policy of free diagnoses for customer computers. We’d let people bring their computers in and we’d run several tests, utilizing pricey tools and a tremendous amount of time in an effort to figure out what was ailing their computers. Most folks had us perform at least a minor paid repair. Late one afternoon, a gentleman wandered into my store with a broken computer. After several hours of hard work, we determined there was a problem with the memory on the video card on his computer. When we offered to sell him a fairly priced replacement, he said, “Nah, I’ll pick one up myself.” I asked him why he would take his business somewhere else, considering the favor we had already done for him. He replied with words that will forever be etched in my mind:

Well, you’re stupid for doing something for free. Who does that?

As he left smiling smugly, I entertained the thought of purchasing a contraband rocket launcher and firing it directly into the back of his shiny new Mercedes. The more I thought about it, I discovered every man I know who drives a Mercedes is pretty much a dick. But this dick was absolutely right. Any non-deity who amounts to anything does anything for free. After that epiphany, I wouldn’t pick up a screwdriver without an upfront diagnostic fee.

I learned that trading in a used vehicle is the stupidest financial mistake you can make, so I decided to help my wife sell her used Honda. We did some research on market values, and decided on a bottom line price. Some nerdy engineer offered the magic number, we accepted it. At work the next day, he later tells my wife that I am a poor negotiator, since he would have paid more. I waited in the parking lot the next week to confront that prick. I asked him why he didn’t just pay more instead of being a backstabbing douchebag? He denied everything as he cowered in fear as his morbidly obese wife rushed him into the car to drive him home.

It was that day when I realized most guys are dicks. But why do women pursue dicks rather than nice guys? Why do we constantly end up alone or with sloppy seconds — women well past their prime, emotionally damaged, and laden with someone else’s baggage? And why does it always seem it’s my responsibility to fix the fucking world? Just ask anyone you know, and I’m sure you’ll find this ridiculous behavior is all around you too.

My friend’s now ex-husband, who happened to drive a Mercedes, was a successful salesman. He traveled well over half the year, attending various meetings and conferences all over the world. His wife stayed home and tended to their children. She admits that she enjoyed her perks, including a membership to a swanky tennis club, unlimited spa treatments, and a nanny. She considered herself a “stay at home mom,” but now realizes she was nothing more than a well-compensated whore (her words). Upon questioning her marriage and getting involved in a heated argument about certain expenses that showed up on his credit card statement, he spit in her face and called her ungrateful. She filed for divorce. She now lives on an exuberant child support check. She lost her Mercedes and settled for a high-level Hyundai, and has begin to date well-to-do non-spitting men who, to me, seem to resemble her ex-husband.

But the worst thing I’ve ever seen happened in a bar. He was an all-American blonde-haired blue-eyed bad boy bartender in a shitty Philadelphia suburb. He had his choice of hundreds of women, but kept a very pretty girl at home at his apartment. He used to brag that he forbade her from coming to the bar, telling her it was too dirty or dangerous for a girl like her. And everyone at the bar knew he was playing his concubine. Apparently, this proved to be a bit too tempting for one certain female patron. She was going to sleep with this bartender no matter what it took. Somehow, he jokingly brokered a deal with her, promising he’d do her in her car if she paid him five hundred dollars. She left the bar and came back with the cash a short time later. Sure enough, shortly after 2 AM, with a few hundred people surrounding the car during the event, he fulfilled the contract. She came back the next week telling him she was pregnant. The manager banned the psycho. She stalked him for a while, confronted the girlfriend, and it turned into a disastrous situation for the psycho and the concubine. He let them both go and moved on to his next victim.

Why are women attracted to mean-spirited men?

If you believe that genetics has at least something to do with your overall personality and disposition, think about how humans have selectively bred mean people. For millenia, your ancestors stoned, mechanically separated, and burned those who questioned stupidity and preached progress. We’ve effectively eliminated a large chunk of pacifists and smart folks, leaving us with a disproportionate number of warriors, sheep, and idiots. Others surmise that women learn relationship norms from the behavior of their parents. An abusive father may unwittingly program his daughter’s mind to believe she too desires an abusive man. But that cannot possibly explain why the bad boy syndrome is so prevalent in today’s society.

Clinical psychologist Vinita Mehta thinks women may be drawn to “bad boys” who demonstrate confidence, stubbornness, and risk-taking tendencies. Dr. Mehta cites a study led by Gregory Louis Carter of the University of Durham revealing that more men than women possess the Dark Triad personality traits of narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellism. The hallmarks of narcissism include dominance, a sense of entitlement, and a grandiose self-view. It is believed that narcissism may advance short-term mating in men, as it involves “a willingness and ability to compete with one’s own sex, and to repel mates shortly after intercourse.” In line with these capabilities, the authors note, narcissists are adept at beginning new relationships, and identifying multiple mating opportunities. Mehta postulates that sexual conflict may be at play. Women may be responding to a man’s ability to ‘sell himself’; a useful tactic in which men convince women to pursue his preferred sexual strategy. Like a “used-car dealer,” men may be effective charmers and manipulators, furthering their success at short-term mating. There’s a sucker born every minute.

Caroline Kent writes about relationships and dating for The Telegraph, and seems to be an authority on dating bad boys. Kent says she is most comfortable in chaotic emotional relationships, and bad boys are “some sort of screwed-up safety blanket.” Kent writes, “Perhaps I am so used to being independent that I’ve become scared to let someone really be there for me, so I select emotionally unavailable people.” The attraction seems to stem from the belief that bad boys are exciting and spontaneous, perhaps supplanting an inherent need for entertainment. Kent follows with what may be the ultimate lame excuse: “It’s because many of us feel we don’t deserve better.”

Women eventually figure out that bad guys are a bad investment. All the excitement and drama she thrived on has turned into painful memories. She has learned that she deserves a man who will love her unconditionally and treat her with respect. Ironically, by the time she realizes this, her youth is well past her, her safe child-bearing years have eclipsed her, and the only available men are the same pool of assholes she’s trying to avoid.

For a brief moment, in between my first and second marriages, I became one of those bad boys. Somehow, I could easily and clearly identify women who appreciated narcissists, and I morphed into that person for my own gratification. I was scary effective, too. I’m not gonna lie — my experience was fucking fabulous. I got tail I know for a fact was way above my pay grade — tail I never dreamed a guy like me could tag. At the same time, it was frightening to know my daughter might someday fall into the same trap. I affixed my bad boy switch to the off position permanently, and turned my attention to identifying the potential threats to myself and my children.

For those who care, and for those who care about someone else who may be affected by the bad boy syndrome, here are some of the incredibly effective attributes I used when I was a bad boy:

  • I was smooth as Ex-Lax on a warm summer day. I held the door open for her, I pulled her chair out, I paid for her drinks. And I complimented her on everything – hair, eyes, nails, even shoes. Women eat that shit up, even if they know you’re full of shit.
  • I molded myself to look a little too perfect. I asked leading questions, and I filled in her blanks. I made myself everything she wanted and more, whether I could deliver or not. I created a persona that she couldn’t resist. By the time she found out I was bluffing, it was too late. I was already gone.
  • I was very busy — all the time. Told her I’d be out of town for the next few weeks on business. That made me even more desirable.
  • I came on very strong and fast. I didn’t hesitate to ask for exactly what I wanted, and I made it sound like it was now or never. And I always got it.

More:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/head-games/201310/why-do-women-fall-bad-boys
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/relationships/10357878/Why-women-cant-resist-bad-boys.html