The Truth About Women

This has been going on long enough. Now that my son is dating, I needed to give him a leg up with all these crazy women who will compete for his time, money, and resources. There is no way I am going to let him go through the hell I went through! I had to think through my advice, and BOOM – here comes the book.

For example – women tend to become their first names. I know, it seems odd, but more often than not it’s true! Take the name “Cheryl” for example. Tell me if you don’t think this is true:

In a word: Narcissist.

The origin of this name is unclear. Some folks swear it’s the female version of Charles, but Charlotte seems much closer to that name. Other people guess that this name was derived from Cherie. Personally, I believe some idiot pulled it out of her ass in a drunken stupor while trying to say “Milton Berle choked Meryl Streep,” and somehow, the accidental slur just stuck.

Cheryl reminds me of that ugly no-nose villain in those kid wizard movies. I had a difficult time simply typing this repugnant bitch’s name. As a matter of fact, if you looked up the word narcissistic in the dictionary, a less-than-flattering picture of this girl’s face would be permanently plastered next to the definition. This is the type of misandrist who, if she wants a cat, despite knowing you are deathly allergic to cats, will get two cats in case the first one wasn’t enough. Apparently, it’s your fault that you’re allergic to cats, so you should just deal with asphyxiation or go get shots. It’s all about her, or it doesn’t exist. If you don’t believe me, simply check her bookshelf yourself. Don’t be surprised when you find the following titles:

  • He’s Just Not That Into You, But It’s Cool To Be Into Yourself, Bitch
  • Women Are From Venus, Men are from… Who Fucking Cares. I Hate Men
  • Your 1,500th Bowl of Chicken Soup for the Soul. This One Won’t Work Either, It’s Cold

In my travels, I have found that smokers are more apt to sexually active relationships. And every Voldemort I’ve ever met smokes something, whether she admits it or not. Tag it and bag it. It’ll get stale soon enough.

Ironically, this princess has it in her head that she is a promiscuous goddess who could make any man come by merely looking at him. But this bitch is more like a body pillow in bed; just hanging around in the missionary position hoping to have an orgasm, but not really helping. Don’t worry, she won’t be terribly disappointed if she doesn’t come. And she won’t really care if you don’t, either.

Voldemort won’t be an overachiever; she’s happy with the simple things in life. This is a perfect lackluster chick for a punching bag – be that a big fat redneck or a dorky geek with no social skills.

SEE? It’s uncanny! The new book deciphers more than 100 male and female names.

I have issued some sneak-preview videos you can watch right now. Have a look and listen, and stay tuned for this amazing book (hits the shelves this November, just in time for the holiday season).

How To Figure Out A Women from her HAIRSTYLE:

How To Figure Out A Woman From Her FIRST NAME:

The Real Reason Women Have CHILDREN:

Why Men Should ALWAYS Avoid Women With CATS:

Best and Worst Places to MEET WOMEN:


Go into work looking like a disheveled militant feminist.


According to a 2003 article in The Economist, medieval noblewomen swallowed arsenic and dabbed on bats’ blood to improve their complexions; 18th-century Americans prized the warm urine of young boys to erase their freckles; and Victorian ladies removed their ribs to give themselves a wasp waist. In his autobiography, Charles Darwin noted a “universal passion for adornment”, often involving “wonderfully great” suffering.

The history of cosmetics spans at least 6,000 years and is present in almost every society on earth. Next to creating tools, fire, language, and religion, this is the oldest learned behavior of our species. Makeup is expensive, time consuming, it might be dreadfully unhealthy, and it’s extremely sexist. In this age of equal rights, fair pay, and freedom of sexual orientation, painted faces are the only sexist rule even the most distraught feminists seem to excuse.

Attitudes, risks, and pain has not stopped cosmetic passion from creating a $160 billion-a-year global industry, encompassing make-up, skin and hair care, fragrances, cosmetic surgery, health clubs and diet pills. Americans spend more each year on beauty than they do on education. 

Most men do appreciate a pretty female face. And most women would much rather hide unsightly blemishes and imperfections to avoid being judged by peers, especially as we age. Unfortunately, being pretty confers enormous genetic and social advantages. Attractive people are judged to be more intelligent. They tend to earn more. They are more likely to marry. Aside from the discrimination and rampant narcissism, there’s nothing wrong with dolling up with makeup.

By 2017, you’d think that our society would be mature and confident enough to toss away the makeup. However, sixty million Americans elected a celebrity clown to our highest government position and we still go to war over religion, so nothing surprises me anymore.

Ladies, it begins with you. You can change this horribly sexist waste of time, money, and resources. Put your hair up in a man-bun, let the beauty of your natural lips shine, and blink recklessly with nothing more than your real eyelashes. Ditch the six-thousand-year-old rules and spend some more time appreciating a sunrise, or staring at the miracle children you brought forth into this world. I challenge you to go into work looking like a disheveled militant feminist.

Do it. I DARE you. You won’t.