feminist

Go into work looking like a disheveled militant feminist.

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According to a 2003 article in The Economist, medieval noblewomen swallowed arsenic and dabbed on bats’ blood to improve their complexions; 18th-century Americans prized the warm urine of young boys to erase their freckles; and Victorian ladies removed their ribs to give themselves a wasp waist. In his autobiography, Charles Darwin noted a “universal passion for adornment”, often involving “wonderfully great” suffering.

The history of cosmetics spans at least 6,000 years and is present in almost every society on earth. Next to creating tools, fire, language, and religion, this is the oldest learned behavior of our species. Makeup is expensive, time consuming, it might be dreadfully unhealthy, and it’s extremely sexist. In this age of equal rights, fair pay, and freedom of sexual orientation, painted faces are the only sexist rule even the most distraught feminists seem to excuse.

Attitudes, risks, and pain has not stopped cosmetic passion from creating a $160 billion-a-year global industry, encompassing make-up, skin and hair care, fragrances, cosmetic surgery, health clubs and diet pills. Americans spend more each year on beauty than they do on education. 

Most men do appreciate a pretty female face. And most women would much rather hide unsightly blemishes and imperfections to avoid being judged by peers, especially as we age. Unfortunately, being pretty confers enormous genetic and social advantages. Attractive people are judged to be more intelligent. They tend to earn more. They are more likely to marry. Aside from the discrimination and rampant narcissism, there’s nothing wrong with dolling up with makeup.

By 2017, you’d think that our society would be mature and confident enough to toss away the makeup. However, sixty million Americans elected a celebrity clown to our highest government position and we still go to war over religion, so nothing surprises me anymore.

Ladies, it begins with you. You can change this horribly sexist waste of time, money, and resources. Put your hair up in a man-bun, let the beauty of your natural lips shine, and blink recklessly with nothing more than your real eyelashes. Ditch the six-thousand-year-old rules and spend some more time appreciating a sunrise, or staring at the miracle children you brought forth into this world. I challenge you to go into work looking like a disheveled militant feminist.

Do it. I DARE you. You won’t.

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Profile of a 21st Century Feminist.

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I have met thousands of women of all ages, shapes, sizes, and colors in my prior careers in entertainment and in corporate America. Ironically, I never had the displeasure of meeting a vocal feminist until recently, who we’ll call Violet. Like a spoiled little child who always gets her way, Violet always seems to find something to bitch about.

Legally, women have shared equal footing with men since 1920, as the passage of our 19th Constitutional Amendment guaranteed women the right to vote. Before most of us were born, the Lucretia Mott Amendment, was first drafted by the women’s rights leader Alice Paul in 1923. Several generations later in 1972, still before most of us were born, the Senate passed a modified Amendment, which proposed banning discrimination based on sex, known as the Equal Rights Amendment. The E.R.A. was sent to the states for ratification, but it fell short of the three-fourths approval needed. Why? It was imperfect. The amendment may have adversely affected laws that favor women in child-custody and alimony cases, forced women to be called upon in a military draft, among other potential unpleasantries. And – the Amendment was largely unnecessary. Women already shared the same fundamental rights as men.

Today, a small group of very vocal and perhaps sociopathic women (led by chicks like Violet) are beating the war drums once again, acting as if they’re speaking for the masses, as if a typical college educated woman cannot speak for herself. There are some loud whispers regarding equal pay and opportunity in the corporate arena, but those are quickly dissipating as companies institute diversification programs. Regardless, today’s feminist movement is frightening. It has a strange similarity to religious fundamentalism, showing signs of an inherently flawed yet absolute conviction in one’s own exactitude. Dissenters are quickly censured by a small contingent of quite hostile yet mostly anonymous social media mavens.

So what’s the prevailing feminist argument today? Fucking cat calls. Certain women are up in arms about unknown men paying them unsolicited compliments. While a large subset of American women (no statistics available) adore being adored and have no problem with men appreciating beauty in what’s usually an innocent exchange of pleasantries, there’s that tiny little bitch regiment who believes compliments should be criminalized. If you ask me, a world in which you cannot compliment or even comment on someone’s hair, flair, or clothing, whether it is warranted or not, seems like a pretty lame world. Granted, there are stupid men who cross the line of civility, and that should never be allowed. But a simple and innocent anonymous compliment should never hurt anyone.

Who are these women? It’s difficult to tell due to their anonymity. But based on Violet’s persona, here’s my best guess.

  • White women with short hair. They get it cut to avoid male attention, because they’re probably asexual. Sexual women are much nicer in general, and tend to appreciate compliments and kind words.
  • Natural blonde women over 26. God is not kind to our fair-haired friends, and women take their wrinkle-hate out on all men to spite Him.
  • Women who have spent too much time in school to foster a professional career. She’s angry that she missed her prime mating years.
  • Black women who have lost a black man to a white girl. She’ll be angry about everything for the rest of her life.
  • Women who own cats. It’s a well-known fact that only men with homosexual tendencies appreciate felines, so a cat is yet another way to repel heterosexual male attention.
  • Women with jacked-up testosterone levels. She’s highly competitive in everything she does, including sports. She’s practically a dude, but she’s angry she’s not accepted as one.
  • Morbidly obese women (with short hair and cats). She’s tired of being chastised and called fat, and feels she doesn’t have a chance with any man anyway. She’s hoping to hook up with a natural blonde woman over 26 with short hair.

Violet meets four out of five of the above qualifications. I’ve unfriended her on Facebook, blocked her on Twitter, and avoid her like Zika in real life. There’s nothing positive at all about that woman, and I don’t have time for negative people.

Thanks to our interaction, I’ve learned you never dare tell a feminist to smile or that she looks nice, whether you mean it or not, and despite any good intention, because that always results in the bitch breathing fire.

When you think about it, today’s women have more rights than men. Think alimony, child support, cheerleading, modeling, runway modeling, and the thousands of corporate positions reserved for women in an effort to prove a company is practicing “equal opportunity.”

Fortunately, the masses are beginning to push back. I hope Violet and her underlings come to their senses and begins to realize things aren’t as bad as they think. If you’re on the fence between feminism and normalcy, these links may help you realize you’re not alone.

Here are five feminist myths that will not die: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TR_YuDFIFI

And here’s a wonderful blog from more normal women who are against these radical feminists: http://womenagainstfeminism.tumblr.com/

Catcalling and the new feminist revolution.

Most modern democracies celebrate the very important freedoms of speech and expression. One look at Iraq, Egypt, or even India will help you realize how valuable that freedom is. American women cherish their freedom to choose a mate, a religion, and not to wear a burka. And somehow, that’s not enough for some women. Quite a few women believe they have a democratic right to selectively not hear things they don’t want to hear — but that rule should apply only to certain people. That’s an impossible balance. I can’t figure out how all that could possibly jive in a free society.

So let’s talk about this stupid video. Some production company was hired by some activist to make a video following a woman through the streets of New York City. Both are quite selfishly interested in editing ten uninteresting hours of video into something that’s much toothier in an effort to create something that might go viral. And it did. During their 15 minutes of fame, they’ve succeeded in opening yet another unimportant wound in racism and sexism.

Author Steve Santagati and some wannabe comedian/uber-feminist named Amanda Seales duked it out on CNN. Santagati and his calm demeanor attempted to reason with a belligerent Seales in a no-win situation. Perhaps Santagati was not aware that any conversation with a feminist is typically not a conversation. Seales was undoubtedly capitalizing on this unwinnable argument to elevate her career.

You tell me: which one of these humans looks like Satan’s spawn?

To illustrate the problem with this situation, let’s play a little game. Seales is walking carefree down West 47th Street with her pumpkin-orange hair proudly popping in the breeze. A standard New York brotha takes notice and issues a non-offensive compliment. Seales indicates she’d have a problem with that, calling it sexist. She turns the corner to Broadway and runs into Denzel Washington, who ironically issues the same exact compliment. How do you think Seales would react this time?

You feel me, dawgs?

Feminists are always angry about something. And black women are always angry. About everything. Therefore, logically, the single most dangerous creature in the free world is an angry black feminist. It sure seems to me that Seales fits that bill. Although my friends will not admit nor deny it, it is certainly not difficult to understand the growing trend of black men dating white women. Not that all white women are sugar and daisies — but most are much more pleasant than your standard ginger-haired black woman. There’s a blog post about that here somewheres.