relationships

The Truth About Women

This has been going on long enough. Now that my son is dating, I needed to give him a leg up with all these crazy women who will compete for his time, money, and resources. There is no way I am going to let him go through the hell I went through! I had to think through my advice, and BOOM – here comes the book.

For example – women tend to become their first names. I know, it seems odd, but more often than not it’s true! Take the name “Cheryl” for example. Tell me if you don’t think this is true:

Cheryl
In a word: Narcissist.

The origin of this name is unclear. Some folks swear it’s the female version of Charles, but Charlotte seems much closer to that name. Other people guess that this name was derived from Cherie. Personally, I believe some idiot pulled it out of her ass in a drunken stupor while trying to say “Milton Berle choked Meryl Streep,” and somehow, the accidental slur just stuck.

Cheryl reminds me of that ugly no-nose villain in those kid wizard movies. I had a difficult time simply typing this repugnant bitch’s name. As a matter of fact, if you looked up the word narcissistic in the dictionary, a less-than-flattering picture of this girl’s face would be permanently plastered next to the definition. This is the type of misandrist who, if she wants a cat, despite knowing you are deathly allergic to cats, will get two cats in case the first one wasn’t enough. Apparently, it’s your fault that you’re allergic to cats, so you should just deal with asphyxiation or go get shots. It’s all about her, or it doesn’t exist. If you don’t believe me, simply check her bookshelf yourself. Don’t be surprised when you find the following titles:

  • He’s Just Not That Into You, But It’s Cool To Be Into Yourself, Bitch
  • Women Are From Venus, Men are from… Who Fucking Cares. I Hate Men
  • Your 1,500th Bowl of Chicken Soup for the Soul. This One Won’t Work Either, It’s Cold

In my travels, I have found that smokers are more apt to sexually active relationships. And every Voldemort I’ve ever met smokes something, whether she admits it or not. Tag it and bag it. It’ll get stale soon enough.

Ironically, this princess has it in her head that she is a promiscuous goddess who could make any man come by merely looking at him. But this bitch is more like a body pillow in bed; just hanging around in the missionary position hoping to have an orgasm, but not really helping. Don’t worry, she won’t be terribly disappointed if she doesn’t come. And she won’t really care if you don’t, either.

Voldemort won’t be an overachiever; she’s happy with the simple things in life. This is a perfect lackluster chick for a punching bag – be that a big fat redneck or a dorky geek with no social skills.

SEE? It’s uncanny! The new book deciphers more than 100 male and female names.

I have issued some sneak-preview videos you can watch right now. Have a look and listen, and stay tuned for this amazing book (hits the shelves this November, just in time for the holiday season).

How To Figure Out A Women from her HAIRSTYLE:

How To Figure Out A Woman From Her FIRST NAME:

The Real Reason Women Have CHILDREN:

Why Men Should ALWAYS Avoid Women With CATS:

Best and Worst Places to MEET WOMEN:

Potentially Dangerous Boyfriends.

Sigmund Freud uncovered that each and every man borders on the fringe of psychotic behavior. Human history and current coordinated efforts labeled as terrorist acts bear witness to this today. Fortunately, most of us get along as we play by the rules of civilization. However, there are those on the fringe of evil. And it’s critically important that you, as someone in search of a relationship, can recognize the signs of those on the fringe. There are certain characteristics a woman needs to flush out before making a commitment to a potentially abusive or dangerous relationship. Yes, some women fall into these categories too, but their involvement typically isn’t quite as severe or affecting.

The Fighting Man

An older gentleman, in an attempt to make smalltalk, asked me what my hobbies were. I replied that my hobbies were diverse and unique. He aptly considered me “complicated.” In turn, I posed the same question. The man replied that he’s into boxing and UFC – Ultimate Fighting for those of you who aren’t familiar with that sport. I had to look it up too. In my best southern drawl, I asked him if he garnered pleasure from the act of two people beating the piss out of each other. He replied that he enjoyed a good fight, having been an active boxer in a previous life. A man who takes pleasure in harming another man is more of a warrior than a civilized human being. He has stepped over the bounds of repressing his desire to harm in the guise of a terrible error in judgment which ultimately led to socially acceptable behavior. Despite his clever disguise as nothing more than a big teddy bear, be aware that his inner warrior lurks and could be aroused with little or no warning.

The Hunting Man

As little as 100 years ago, before butchers, general stores, supermarkets, Walmart, and food stamps, it was more necessary for man to hunt to feed himself and his family. Today, hunting exists as sport only. As I ponder this “sport,” I wonder what the real challenge and acquisition is. There is no battle, as we use an increasing amount of power and technology to overcome an otherwise helpless and usually innocent animal, be that fish, fowl, deer, or bear. If you’ve ever tried venison, you’ll agree that it’s a forced taste – particularly chewy with a strange bitter flavor. Regardless of their excuse, a hunter means to show his masculinity by killing an animal and bragging to his friends. Remember, these man have a cadre of deadly weapons at their immediate disposal. The worst offenders are those who employ the services of a taxidermist.

The Sports Fan

Sports are a wonderful way to exercise and release tension, especially in a participatory or coaching role. However, a man who is broadly into two or more sports as a spectator is on the other side of this spectrum. Subjectively, I have found that a man’s mood and attitude can be directly affected by the performance of a collegiate or professional sports team. Frankly, that level of influence is disturbing. This indicates a narcissistic tendency which is projected through his financial investment in branded merchandise or memorabilia. Your relationship, family, and feelings will, at times, be relegated to the cheap seats.

The Overly Religious Man

In the absence of complete brainwashing as a child, which is evident in radical religious sects worldwide, adults turn to religion when something they value is missing in their lives. Love, money, health, status, or several other characteristics can drive a person to become a religious zealot. Once a person eschews the reality of the world you live in and decides things might be better on the other side, his behavior can become quite questionable. If quotations from his favorite book are a predominant part of his everyday conversation, you may want to have a discussion before you get seriously involved.

The Gangsta

Finally, any man who idolizes criminal activity, through music, movies, or in real life, has an innate desire to emulate his heroes. Sooner or later, he will act on that desire, and his naive and amateur actions could prove devastating to his life, career, and relationships. It is critically important to be firmly grounded in reality for any relationship to be successful.

“The path to a man’s heart can be found through his heroes.”
– Country music artist Jake McGrew